I remember

I remember this day well. We watched you turn blue and stop breathing during our visit and were rushed out shortly after by some cranky nurses. I remember sobbing and laying awake that night wondering if I would see your precious face the next morning. I remember crying out to God and pleading with him for another day, pleading for a chance to at least hold you in my arms one time. I remember the pain I felt each time someone asked how you were. That question seemed unbearable to answer, because I really didn't know. I could guess, I could imagine, I could hope, but I didn't really have anything concrete to base it off of.

I remember anxiously waiting each day to visit you. To touch you, and to talk to you. I remember watching other parents as they too waited for their visit with their child, only to be told that their baby did not make it through the night. I remember watching their tears, and hearing their cries at the realization that they would never hold their precious child. They would never get to see their first smile, or watch them take their first steps. I remember feeling helpless and fighting the urge to run through the doors and escaping with you in my arms. I remember asking God over and over... WHY? What is Your purpose in this? What are You doing through this God? How long will this pain endure? Will the morning ever come?

I remember the panic I felt the morning we found out you were coming home. I remember the mixed emotions of the JOY I was about to feel holding you for the first time, yet concern for the fact that I knew you were not yet ready. I remember the frustration I felt when I just did not know what to do for you, or how to care for you best. I remember the LOVE I felt for you, I remember the feeling of having you placed in my arms for the first time,I remember the hours of just holding you in my arms and feeling your little heart beat on my chest.

To me, you are a miracle. A blessing. A gift. But my hope is that you will be that to MANY others as well. My hope is that through every experience with you, we are able to use this to help other children, other parents, other families. Our eyes were opened to a need that is great, because in that very isolette that you layed in, another baby is likely lying in right now. We don't know that child's situation, but we know that while you were there many other children were in the same room whose parents just could not care for them. For whatever the reason, they live there in the hospital just waiting. Waiting for someone to hold them, to touch them, to talk to them, and to love them. So I am not only thankful for you, but I am thankful for your journey. For the experiences that God allowed us through your birth and NICU stay. I hope one day many other preemies or children with special needs, are able to know the love of a family, and the love of God because of your journey. I am so thankful that God put us exactly where He did in those moments, so that we could better see the needs of the children in Panama. Through the past 6 months of your life, what I remember most is that through it all, God was gracious. God was patient with me. God was faithful. God held us both in His arms, and walked us through the trials to bring us to an opportunity where we can prayerfully make a difference in the lives of many children for Christ.

I love you Jude. You are a true blessing from God, in every way.

Blessed

Doesn't even cut how I feel this Mother's Day.

There was pancakes, there was homemade cards, there was snuggles, there was laughing, there was kisses, there was holding hands, there was holding babies, there was chai tea, there was pop corn, there was playing, there was walking, there was running, there was nerf guns, there was playground fun, there was cake for dinner, there was "I love you's", there was "You are the best mommy ever", and there were 4 precious boys who I could not love any more that made me a mommy.

These boys make every day incredible. There may be tears, and fighting, and messes, and frustration, and sleepless nights, but those are worth every second. 

These boys are a GIFT. Each moment is a BLESSING. 

They are each so special, so unique, so LOVED. 

Today something hit me even harder than it has before... I have FOUR sons. Four boys who will grow into men. Four men that my husband and I are responsible for raising. Four men that God has entrusted to us for this season. Each moment is a chance to impact their lives. To teach them, to encourage them. Each day is a day that can change their future.

It's an overwhelming thought to truly realize what a great responsibility being a mom is. I have a great opportunity to make a difference in this world. In fact... I have FOUR.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!

Pieces of the puzzle

It’s always hard in the midst of a difficult struggle to understand why things are happening the way they are. It's hard to accept that God is in control and that He does not have to reveal his ultimate plan to us, nor is he required to save us from the difficult times. Someone recently shared this quote and it spoke so loudly to me...

"Sometimes God redeems us from our struggles and sometimes He redeems us through them." - Mike Donehey.

Looking back over the past few months of our “trials”, I am beginning to see pieces of a beautiful puzzle coming together. Even in the moments I felt completely alone and wondered why God was allowing things to happen, I am beginning to see that He truly was in control the whole time.

My Mother and Father in law had planned a trip to visit us in early February. Not long before they were supposed to leave, my Mother in law injured her foot and spent 8 weeks in a boot and several more weeks in physical therapy. Do you know when they rescheduled their trip for? The exact week God had orchestrated for Jude to be released from the hospital. Not only were they able to meet their newest grandchild, they were able to hugely bless us by watching our older boys while we spent time in the hospital with Jude. They also happened to be here the exact week we were moving and were a tremendous help with packing the house and moving us. I can’t even imagine the chaos of doing everything without them.

God is good!

While Nathan and I were originally very upset that a doctor who had not been overseeing Jude’s care decided to discharge him directly out of intermediate care without consulting Jude’s doctor, I now see what a blessing that was. Not only were we able to have almost a week with Jude home to snuggle and meet his brothers and grandparents, this also allowed us to monitor Jude and discover he was having some serious issues from his prematurity that needed to be treated. We were able to drive Jude to the capital of Panama and get him the best care available. We have now been able to breathe much easier and we are able to better understand what is going on with him, and better care for him.

God is good!

God has taken such great care of Jude these past 35 wks. I was less than thrilled to be put on bed rest at 25wks but God used that time to help prepare Jude for birth. He was able to get steroids to help grow his lungs and when he arrived at 30 wks, God watched over him every step of the way. I didn’t understand why God would allow me to have a premature baby in a foreign country. I didn't understand why I was having to experience such heartache his first few weeks with barely being able to see my son, but I can tell you now that God has a wonderful plan and He has never left Jude’s side. This experience has brought many different people into my life, it has created new and wonderful friendships, it has opened my eyes to many different situations here in Panama, and most importantly... I believe God is showing us His will for us here in Panama through this.

God is GOOD!

I still may not understand all the pieces of the puzzle and that is ok. God is choosing to redeem me through my struggles right now. I may fight Him on things and beg Him to spare me from the trials, but I am slowly beginning to see that what I have been fighting and struggling against is something beautiful that God is trying to piece together if only I would let Him. I am eager to see the finished puzzle, but I know that God will place piece by piece in His perfect timing, not mine.