Just be willing.

I have had something on my heart for a little while, and I felt like I just really needed to share it. So here it goes...

Lots of people have said things, in regards to us moving to Panama,  referring to us as "amazing" or "incredible". Even though it is meant as a compliment, it really makes me feel uncomfortable and here is why- 

Because we aren't. 

Growing up, I always felt like pastors and missionaries were these special people that were "super christians," and it always seemed unattainable to me because I was already so full of sin. I felt like I was not perfect, so what use could I be to anyone? How could God ever use me? I was not the poster girl for "good christian." 

When we felt God calling us to Panama, all I could think was "But God, why us? We aren't qualified. We aren't special, and we certainly are not super christians. We are sinners. We yell, we argue, we get mad, we make bad choices. We don't have special degrees on how to be useful to You, how to lead people to You, or how to properly love the orphaned. Why us, God?" 

In all my questioning to God, I clearly felt that He said "Because this is what I created my people to do." 

You see, you don't have to be special. You don't have to be amazing. You don't have to be wonderful. You just have to be WILLING. You just have to say "God, use me how You want to use me. I am YOURS." 

There is nothing amazing about simply following the commands God has given us. This is what Christianity is. It's just normal. It's nothing special. God tells us to care for the orphan and the widow. He tells us to clothe the naked and feed the hungry. He tells us to seek justice for the oppressed. He tells us to make disciples. He doesn't say "only do this if you are special or amazing." He just says to do it because we are His children and it is why He created us.

When God called His disciples in the Bible, He didn't tell them to go home first and get more prepared, or that they were not special enough. He didn't tell them to go to work to become more "spiritual" first and THEN they could follow Him and serve. No, He just called them as they were. 

God can use you NOW, just as you are, if you are willing. If God called me, He can call you. I am no one special. I am nothing outside of Him. I was just tired of fighting what God had clearly told me to do, and so I relented and said "Okay God, I will go."

I am not saying you need to move to a foreign country, because God can use you exactly where you are. I am simply saying, don't fool yourself into thinking that you can't be used because you aren't a "super christian." And don't let yourself believe lies such as "I need to be more spiritual and then God can use me, later." Let God use you as you are, now. He will continue to work on your heart, and He will grow you in Him if you are faithful in pursuing Him, and seeking Him.

Fear

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7

Can I be incredibly transparent? Fear is something I have really been struggling with the past few weeks. It seems like everywhere I turn, I am seeing news that instills more fear in me. I am not the kind of person who generally gets caught up in the health scares or political fear tactics, but these past few weeks, I have felt myself crumbling.

I have felt such a heaviness lately, between the news of ISIS, Ebola, and other heart wrenching stories in the news. I see God being mocked over and over. I see Christians being villainized for holding tightly to their values. I see people twisting God's words so they can continue to lead the kind of life that they want to without feeling guilt. I see Christians refusing to show the love and forgiveness that Christ has shown them. We argue and take stands that don't need to be taken, but when it comes to what God demands from us, we won't stand up at all.

I feel broken hearted for this world we live in. This fear I have? It is not simply a fear for what is to come, It is a fear of what will come to so many I know and love.

"And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear Him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell."

Matthew 10:28

"Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. (21) Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven."

Matthew 7:13-14, 21

Cameron

My very first childhood memory was from when I was 2 years old. I vaguely remember peeking out from around a corner as a 9 year old boy flashed me a huge smile, laughed excitedly, and eagerly started very shakily coming towards me. I quickly hid on the other side of the wall, terrified he would get to me. I walked up the stairs, clinging to my mom and as we entered his bedroom, I saw a huge metal crib. My little mind was racing and I couldn't quite understand exactly what was happening, but it all seemed frightening and "unordinary".

That was the day I met my big brother. My parents had become "skilled care providers" through the state of NJ. Cameron, a 9 year old boy with severe cerebral palsy, was our first placement. That day began a whole new life for my family and it has helped shape my perspectives, opinions, reactions, and my goals.

My initial fears of Cameron, quickly disappeared once he came to live with us. There was not a thing to fear about that incredible boy. He taught me within days that "different" is not a bad thing, and that disabled only means differently abled. We became fast friends and shared an incredible bond. Oh how I miss you big brother.

I can not even begin to tell you the impact of being raised with siblings with special needs. I adored Cameron with everything that I had. Though he never spoke a word, he listened, he watched, he loved. He didn't need to say a word. Despite any "disabilities" that he had, his soul was beautiful. He was almost ALWAYS happy and smiling and just being in the room with him could make a bad day, better.

Cameron lived with our family for over 10 years and the day we said goodbye is still one of the hardest to relive. It has been around 15 years since I last saw him. Last saw his huge smile, last was embraced in his bear hug, and last kissed him goodbye.

I miss him tremendously, and pray that wherever he is, he is still smiling and spreading joy and love.

Happy Birthday Cammie. Thank you for all of the joy you brought to my life. I love you buddy, and I always will.